It Starts Small

The days following are somewhat of a blur. I got to my friend and sister in Christ’s house. I was relieved to not have to sit I the truck for hours on end, starring ahead wishing the road would come to an end.

Life must still go on, and as everyone in the house left for work and school I spend my days pouring over scripture. Pouring over commentaries in the great seeking of answering who IS God?

As I looked over my list of the characteristics of God, I knew each of these. I knew that God loved me. He created me. He had purpose for me. He provided for me. He protected me. A great question began to arise within me: when. Did I stop believing these things?

It’s a great question! I had come to realize there’s a Grand Canyon between knowing something and believing something. I could pin point times in my past when I was fully dependent upon God. I treasured him and believed only in Him, but Proverbs described me perfectly:

As a dog returns to its vomit, so fools repeat their folly. (Proverbs 26:11)

Where was this line I kept crossing that brought me back to unbelieving. Where did I stop believing and return to my old sinful self?

I sat in wonderful sunshine on the side of a hill. I kept thinking of my reflection in the window. I hated myself. I hated what I had become. I hated everything I had done to hurt myself and hurt the very people I loved. How do I stop returning to the same old like a dog returning to vomit?

I prayed that afternoon. I told God I hate me. I hate the things I do. You promised that I would be transformed into a new creature. I don’t want to be this any more. I give it all up to you. I give the life that is not mine to you. I am yours to fix. To change. To transform.

I had finally accepted that day that God truly loves me. No one will ever love me as God does. He is perfect love. His love never fails and he is is faithful in loving me no matter what I’ve done. It didn’t matter how far off the path of righteousness I got, he never left me. He was there walking beside me, in front of me, and in me. I had to just receive his love. I had to accept that my creator loved me no matter what.

I had to accept God’s love meant God’s grace was poured out upon me. It was a gift I did not deserve. There’s nothing I can do to earn God’s love or grace. I can’t get God to love me any more than he does, nor can I lose how much God loves me. Just like his grace. I can’t earn or work for God’s grace. It’s a gift. The purpose of God’s grace is to work his power and glory through me. To bring me redemption and righteousness through Christ.

I also had to accept God’s mercy. God didn’t give what I deserved. I didn’t deserve to be rescued out of my situation so many times. So many times standing on that boat I rejected Jesus’ help. I rejected letting God have complete control over my life. I rejected his protection, provision, and promises. I rejected his friendship and counseling. I rejected his help. I rejected his love. I rejected my creator. I deserved to have my life blotted out, but that’s not who God is. His mercy doesn’t give us what we deserve, instead He gives us what we need.

It’s because God loves me so much that he pours grace and mercy over me. I thought about what God had created through me. He created me. He created my marriage. He created my family. I prayed again and asked God to take me home, but not until I was fit to be all he wanted me to be in everything he had created. I set upon his alter that day everything I knew about me, my marriage, and my family and I laid down that it be burned from my mind, body and spirit. I asked God to cleanse me of all unrighteousness and vomit.

I told God my life is in your hands. Transform me to everything you truly created me for. For the first time ever, I decided to just trust in my Creator. To just let him lead. I didn’t know where I was going. I didn’t know what that even meant, but I knew I could never return home as I was. I didn’t want to return that way. I wanted God. I wanted to be what he desired me to be.

In the midst of that prayer, that small voice spoke and said, go to Texas…