It Starts Small

The morning after my experience of with Jesus I was left with so many questions. Honestly I pondered what on earth had happened? Was that all real? I hadn’t consumed much food in four days. Was I just starving and my mind playing tricks on me? Deep down I knew it had happen…

But what did it all mean?

I made a stop at Walmart. It’s far cheaper to buy drinks than to stop at the gas station and buy them. I started to see something over and over. “Be Still.”. Everything it was on and every time I saw it, I felt this odd preassure in my chest. Be still?

But what does that mean?

I got myself settled in and ready for the next 7 hours. Tonight would be the last night I’d spend in a motel. The almost last day of driving. I decided to try and pray. This little journal I bought I started to write:

God,

There was a long pause. Truthfully I didn’t know what to pray. I sat there in silence. That quiet voice said, Who is God? I repeated the question several times and spoke it out loud. I could think of several verses, stories, and things my brain logged, but I couldn’t answer that question. Who IS God? Not what is God.

So I wrote it down in my journal. Who is God? After an hour of just sitting in that parking lot I knew I had to get moving. The question nagged at my mind and heart. How could I call myself a Christian when I can’t even honestly answer that question. Who is God to me? Yes, I knew who God was, but who IS God?

It wasn’t long before I got caught up in the trucker convoy headed to Washington D.C. I was rather annoyed as the maximum speed limit was well below the actual. We creeped and crawled along the interstate. There was all sorts of crazy going on around me but I didn’t take much notice. I couldn’t stop thinking about God. The nice part about driving so slow, was being able to jot a few simple lines down. That question opened a can inside of me.

I began to realize that everything I did know about God could possibly be a lie. My own imagination of who God is, could be wrong. I hung on to common cliches and often thrown out speaking’s of God by pastors, teachers, writers. But I didn’t personally know who God IS. So I decided to make a list of what I thought God was and prove it to be truth or a lie.

• Sovereign (I didn’t even know what that meant)
• Healer
• King of kings, Lord of lords
• Comforter
• Counselor
• Teacher
• Father
• Creator
• Provider
• Protector
• Friend

I thought about this for nine hours. What was supposed to be a seven hour day turned into an extra two hours because of the slow moving traffic across I-80. I believed it was possible that God was all these things, but I felt like this list was meant for only a special selection of people.

My knowledge of God was rooted in the false teachings of legalism. I believe they have the gospel right, but beyond that, what they teach and preach is false. They create fear, judgement, and condemnation in people. They foster pride and selfishness. They practice the law, and there is no grace in mercy. There is no love of God in anything they preach. They drive into you that you are only as good as you give and dress. Your faith is only as good as how you act, how much you give, and how strong your egotism and pride is. I didn’t have reverence for God, I had a true fear of God. I watched how all those people acted. I once saw a homeless man walk into the church. He didn’t ask for anything. He just sat at the back of the church. He was asked to leave because he didn’t smell very good. They looked upon me as if I was satan himself. I was told from a preacher’s wife that because I didn’t have the right clothes I couldn’t be involved in the women’s ministry. Even some of my family members judged me and condemned me because I wasn’t perfect in their eyes. Even now, I’ve been tossed in the garbage as hopeless and not worthy of love or ministering. No, there is no grace, no mercy, and these people’s heart weren’t filled with God’s love. Jesus didn’t rebuke and send the less than perfect away. He sat and ate with them. Legalism is the modern day Pharisee of the New Testament.

I came to realize I had an irrational fear of God. I was scared to death to even pray. God would see my and strike me dead if I dare enter his throne room. As I got close to Washington, Pennsylvania I spoke out loud to God. I confessed that I was trapped in a false religion. I had been fooled into believing the on,y way to please him was to follow a list of impossible laws. To follow a religious cult that did not have room for grace, mercy, forgiveness, or God’s love. I confessed that everything I thought was truth was a lie. There was no way God was any of that. I asked God to reveal himself to me. Teach me, show me, speak to me truth.

A hunger ignited in my soul. Ok, maybe it’s because I hadn’t eaten for five days, but honestly, it was something inside me I’d never felt before. I went to Cracker Barrel that night. I had their chicken fried steak platter with all the works. I felt a knot in my throat as I started to inhale food. I looked around the dining room. There were families and couples sitting together enjoying a meal. There was laughter and conversation. I felt the tears well up in my eyes.

I looked out the window into the darkness beyond. Jesus, help me is all I could whisper. I looked at my own reflection in the window and knew that I no longer wanted whatever I had become and whoever I was. Everything was a lie. I didn’t want to be that person. Who was that person looking back at me? If things were going to be made right, it couldn’t be done thinking the same old things and doing the same old things. I didn’t know what it meant, but I knew the key was to discover who God truly is, and what all the promises are he speaks about.

I left that restaurant still hungry. Hungry in my spirit. A new ambition of fire was lit inside of me, and somehow I just knew I was on the right path.