It Starts Small

¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Colossians 3:19

In my previous post, I looked at the instruction given to wives in Colossians 3:18, especially the phrase “as is fitting in the Lord.” In this post, I look at Paul’s equally brief instructions to husbands in verse 19.

¹⁸ Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.

¹⁹ Husbands, love your wives and do not be harsh with them.

Colossians 3:18-19

In Ephesians 5:25-33, Paul powerfully underscores the essence of “love.” He repeats the term six times when speaking to husbands. This profound emphasis carries through to Colossians 3:19. It’s a striking celebration of love. It sets itself apart from the sterile discussions found in other ancient texts on marriage.

Much of Paul’s letters, including the household codes, are about guidance for new Christians. They had to live beside their pagan neighbours. They were to do this without harming the fledgling Christian movement. Paul wanted the Christians in Colossae to conform to broader social standards where possible. He also wanted the community of believers to demonstrate the command of Jesus that we love one another.

³⁴ “A new command I give you: Love one another. As I have loved you, so you must love one another. ³⁵ By this everyone will know that you are my disciples, if you love one another.”

John 13:34-35

Paul was profoundly moved by the incredible breadth and power of the love that Jesus exemplified, taught, and commanded. He realized that love was not just an ethic but the supreme guiding principle (Col. 3:14), meant to shine brightly in all Christian relationships, especially in marriage. The Greek verb agapaō [“love”] is conspicuously absent from Greco-Roman household codes. This absence likely occurs because the essence of this love challenges the very foundations of the patriarchal marriage construct. In Colossians 3:19, there is a striking silence on husbands wielding authority. Neither Jesus nor Paul nor Peter commands husbands to lead. Nor does any figure of the New Testament. They never promote exerting unilateral authority over their wives. Not for a single moment. Instead, Paul’s powerful call is for husbands to passionately love their wives.

do not be harsh with them

Paul passionately elaborates in Ephesians 5:25. He explains the profound ways husbands ought to express their love for their wives. He emphasizes the depth and beauty of this sacred relationship. In contrast, Colossians 3:19 lacks such detailed instruction. This hints that Paul likely trusted the Christians in Colossae. He believed they would have access to the enlightening words shared in his letter to the Ephesians. Yet, he strongly emphasizes not being harsh with them. He reminds us of the tenderness and respect that should define marital love.

The Greek verb for “be harsh” in Colossians 3:19 is pikrainō. This verb can refer to bitter tastes, tempers, and circumstances, and there is a sense of “sharpness” in its usage. It is the opposite, literally and metaphorically, of being sweet. These traits are contrary to the virtues of the “new person.” This “new humanity” or “new nature” in Christ is described in Colossians 3:9-17.

Pikrainō appears four times in the New Testament. Three instances resonate powerfully in Revelation. Once, it is found in the poignant words of Colossians. In Revelation 8:11, 10:9, and 10:10, the verb evokes a harsh, bitter taste. It also evokes an unsettling stomach ache. Together, they paint a vivid picture of distress. However, in striking contrast, this term finds a different voice in Colossians 3:19 and the revered ancient Greek Septuagint. Here, Pikrainō passionately conveys the tumultuous emotions of angry tempers. It also communicates the unbearable weight of harsh, miserable circumstances.

Colossians 3:19 passionately implores us. It says, “Husbands … do not let anger or harshness taint your love for your wives.” This profound phrase is a heartfelt reminder. Expel all bitterness (pikria), rage, and anger. Get rid of brawling and slander. Cast aside every ounce of malice that threatens to undermine your bond. (Eph. 4:31)

These behaviors have no place in any Christian relationship. Paul passionately reminds husbands to avoid harshness. He is urging husbands not to dominate (authenteō) their wives. The verb authenteō resurfaces in 1 Timothy 2:12. It starkly illustrates a woman exerting domineering, self-serving behavior towards a man. The man is likely her husband. This dynamic showcases a troubling reality that must be confronted and transformed! Harsh, domineering behaviour is unacceptable from men and from women, from husbands and from wives.

Paul’s Household Codes

The Colossians and Ephesians household codes had profound aims. They sought to challenge and soften the harsh treatment inflicted by those wielding greater power in Greco-Roman households. This includes husbands, parents, and both male and female slave owners. The codes advocated for kinder treatment towards those with lesser social power, like wives, children, and slaves.

Despite this noble aim, Paul hesitated to advocate for a social revolution. The teachings of Christ dared to challenge the existing social order. They could have disrupted it. This challenge could have spelled catastrophe for the fledgling Jesus movement. Roman authorities were wary of new groups or movements. They were cautious of religions that posed a threat to their carefully maintained social stability. They had no patience for what they perceived as subversive teachers or rebellious factions. The Christians faced a daunting struggle. They had to navigate their devotion to Jesus and his radical teachings. This was amidst a backdrop of hostility and suspicion.

The household code in Colossians 3-4 vividly captures an era defined by strict power hierarchies. Yet, within the lively community of believers, beautiful ideals of mutual love and limitless consideration emerged. They rose like a radiant beacon. These ideals intertwined hearts and fostered transformative relationships. It is profoundly significant that Paul addresses wives and husbands in Colossians 3 and in Ephesians 5. He provides a foundation of guidance directed to the entire audience. Paul encourages all—married men and women alike—to embody kindness, patience, unity, and engaged participation in ministry. And above all else, love reigns supreme.

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Cross-References

• 1 Peter 3:7
• 1 Corinthians 7:3-5
• 1 Peter 3:1-6
• Ephesians 5:25-33

Discussion Questions:

• What is the role of the husband?
• Why does Paul add not to become “embittered against them?”
• How can both sides defend against bitterness?
• What is one way you can improve your marriage? How specifically will you do that this week?

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