It Starts Small

I have thought for a few weeks now, what does this mean to me?

Everyone always wants the spilled tea. When did it begin for you?

With a statement: “I wished I had never had you.”

They words echoed in my heart day after day as a very young child. They were the words that opened my heart to every cruel lie the ruler of this world spoke over me. Those words stole the identity my Creator gave me and replaced it with a false identity. Before these words were spoken to me, I lived in a home void of love. I lived in a home of physical abuse and emotional abuse. I lived in a broken dysfunctional home void of God. Sure, there were bibles on the shelf and a weekly, sometimes twice weekly attendance to a religious institution. But there was no God. I was not raise by people who knew the Lord. Whatever god was professed was not the One true God I know today. The cruelty in their words and actions was not the reflection of people who loved the Lord or knew Jesus. Their idea of “godly” justice was nothing reflective of a God Word.

For as long as I can remember, when I heard about this Jesus, I took the message literal. Jesus saves you. I’d hide under my bed at night and beg Jesus to come save me. Take from that place. Take me to a home with loving parents. Take me to a family that wants me. I wanted to know this Jesus, but when I would ask questions I was chided or mocked in Sunday school. One Easter Sunday, I asked the teacher why would an all powerful God have a Son who had to die so people could go to heaven. She got angry with me. Her response was because you are a worthless sinner and going to hell. I could not put the pieces together. I did not understand what that meant. I heard worthless and sinner. A few sundays later, the preacher preached a fiery sermon on hell. Whatever that man was talking about I did not want to be apart of. I did not want to go there. So I made the alter call. I read a card out loud and was told that I was saved. So imagine the disappointment when for weeks and months you’re waiting for Jesus to come get you. Begging for an end to the nightmares. Begging for an end to the violence.

It was not long after this I heard those fateful words. Words that would change everything I thought about myself, God, Jesus and the world around me. Whatever clung to the creation God had made in me, was put away that day. The beautiful precious little girl He breathed life into was finally broken. There was pure silence after those words were spoken. I walked away trying to not let the tears stream down my face. I walked outside and went to the very corner of the side yard and sat against the building. I cried. If she did not want me, maybe this Jesus did not want me either. I shut down that day and shut off.

I stopped begging Jesus and started copping with the situation with maladaptive daydreaming. Maladaptive daydreaming is when daydreaming becomes excessive and interferes with daily life. It can be a harmful way to cope with stress, anxiety, or other emotional challenges. It is vivid daydreams that feel real and hard to leave. They are daydreams that last for hours and are triggered by external events. They cause trouble focusing or completing tasks and trouble sleeping. The danger is that you convince yourself that is real, but real life is just a nightmare you had the night before.

This was my first addiction. I would find myself, alone, daydreaming for hours about the life I wished I had. I envisioned loving parents who wanted to spend time with me. A safe home. No yelling. No sever punishments for making mistakes. Parents who were interested in me. Spent time with me. Parents who believed me when I said I was having nightmares. As got older it transitioned into a future home. With a future husband. Children. A safe place. A home filled with love.

The problem occurs when those worlds collide with reality. You start to believe that the world you made up in your head is reality and reality is the nightmare you dream in your sleep. It led me straight into the arms of someone who was the same if not more violent and evil than the home I grew up in. Instead of seeing the red flags, I believed this person to be everything I dreamed of. God Word says satan is the father of all deception. I believe maladaptive daydreaming was an evil demonic strong hold sent to deceive me. To keep me deaf and blind. To get my focus off Jesus and lost in a reality that did not exist. When I started this daydreaming, the horrific nightmares stopped. I believe the nightmares were used to plant deep rooted fear in my heart.

Another problem this causes is that you lie to yourself and others. I would lie and tell people I grew up in this wonderful home. A wonderful family. I’d lie and tell people I had the best marriage and my husband was this amazing man. This is how I coped with all the abuse and violence. I hid myself. Locked myself into this prison in my mind. In real life, I tried to remain a mute. Never expressing my needs. I tried to live a perfect life to avoid being abused. I failed miserably.

Along the way I picked up other coping mechanisms. Drinking was the last coping mechanism that nearly destroyed me. My heart wanted so badly to be seen. To be loved. To be recognized as a human being. To have purpose. To be protected. To be provided for. To not have to live in fear. To have joy. To have peace. To love others. To serve others. These are all basic human needs. There was nothing wrong with wanting these things. What I did not know is these needs drove my heart to fill my heart with anything I could do meet those needs.

Drinking was a dumb attempt to spend time with my husband. That was always his thing and I thought if maybe I did it with him, he would see me. Terrible idea. But evil knew what it was doing. What should have been seen as a dumb idea turned into something sinister. I hated drinking. It tasted awful. For years I watched it destroying my husband, but some how I thought my participation would somehow change things. One night, I was at my lowest. Desperate in my heart. We did the usual, but it was different. As I poured poison down the hatch I got this really warm feeling. Some call it the buzz. I never drank fast enough or consumed enough to get this. It was like the world shut off. My mind shut off. I can remember smiling. I felt “happy.”

In these moments I had dumb courage. I’d get this dumb idea to try to talk about these needs I had and… well… It always turned into a terrible fight. By the end of the conversation I was reminded that garbage had a better station in life than I did and I did not deserve to be loved. I was not good enough. I was ugly. I had not reach a point on the ladder worth to be worthy of affection. I was a terrible human being who did not deserve to live. What was an attempt to be open and honest always ended in me being shamed and condemned for having needs.

One occasion, led to the being told, “I wished you had died of cancer. You don’t deserve to live.”

Those words fell on me like a boulder. I remember being stunned. How could someone who says they love you everyday say something so terrible? SO mean? So cruel. Drinking removes the filter. This is how this person truly felt about me. Looking back his actions spoke this while his lies said something different. Remove the filter and you will get the truth. Of all the other terrible things said… this was the one thing that broke me.

I completely shut down. Whatever life was left in me was gone. Whatever fight I had left to survive…was now dead. I crawled into the darkest place I had ever been. The next 10 years were a blur. I can not honestly tell you what really went on. I merely existed. Drinking turned into a deeper shut off. Some sort of catastrophic event would occur and I was stuck in the cycle of violence. I was frozen. I didn’t exist. I would take responsibility for whatever happen and life would go on. There was no hope. No life. No feeling. Just complete darkness. No one saw me. No one cared. and I stopped caring about me. They were right, I could disappear and no one would have cared. Life was pointless. I couldn’t do anything right, so what was the point of trying. My existence was pointless. Life had amounted to the only happy moment was that warm buzz that last for a few seconds.

I had the courage once to ask for help. I got behavioral help but if I was being honest I was still empty. Still lost in a deep void. I tried to pick up my bible but the words did not make sense to me. I tried to remember the rules I heard as a child, but I was so weak. I was tired. What I did have I poured into the programs and and tools of psychology.

In August of 2021, the cycle was starting. I could see it. Everything therapy had taught me I took to heart. I could see it but felt powerless to do anything to stop it. I would sit in a goat barn begging Jesus to stop it. I begged Him to save the future and not let evil destroy it.

In the end, I chose to be persuaded to drink again. I knew it was playing with fire. I was so lost and did not know what else to do.

Three years ago yesterday was the final cycle spun.

The night is still a blur. I remember a still quiet voice telling me to run, but I was so scared. I left in slippers, a hoodie and yoga pants. It was snowing and I just prayed the pass would be opened. I do not remember the drive. But as the sun was coming up, all I could think of is why? All I ever wanted in my life was to be loved. To love others. To live a good life. To serve others. To know I was safe. To know I was wanted. TO breath. To not constantly feel like I was drowing, fighting to get to the surface to take a deep breath. How on earth did I get to this point? Why did I have to be so stupid. I know better. How did things get to this point? There were obvious answers, but it had to be much deeper. The obvious made no sense.

I had had enough! In the two years of being sober, I learned all I could about behavior. I knew everything there was to know about addiction from a worldly point of view. I had spent two years trying to be able to express myself. I was trying to get to a place of making sense of everything and I was trying to trust someone I had no business ever trusting. I wanted to be open and honest. I was confused. I was lost. I felt like I was on this slow descent back into the pit. It was like looking at a giant puzzle with a million itty bitty tiny pieces and making sense of it all. I was doing everything the “program” said to do. I was using all the “tools” given. Taking it one step at a time. Confronting fear as best I could. Trying to be as honest as I could and tryint to build a trust to be completely open. What was missing? Was I that broke that even I could not be fixed?

I knew deep in my heart that what was missing was God. But I did not know what that meant. I believed in God. I believed in Jesus. But there had to be something I was missing.

I met Jesus on the side of the highway heading out to stay with a friend in Pennsylvania. As I sobbed leaving everything behind, I had to pull over. The grief. The anger. The disappointment. The heart ache became to much and I had to pull over. Some call it dirty crying. I couldn’t see to drive. In that moment I laid my head on my steering wheel and closed my eyes. I wanted to go back. I wanted to fight for everything behind me. A small quiet voice said no. If you go back nothing will ever change. I took a deep breath and just sobbed.

I asked Jesus once again to not rescue me, but to just come and sit with me. I knew I could not go forward without Him. I confessed myself to Him. Told Him I was so sorry for being such a terrible human being. For being weak. For being so stupid in believing I could control the situation. I told Him I did not know what it meant to say I needed Him but I needed Him. A peace came over my heart. I did not know where I was going but I had a sense that it was going to be okay.

When I got to Pennsylvania, I was exhausted. Physically, emotionally, and I suppose spiritually. I slept for what felt like days. One morning I woke up to a beautiful day in March full of sunshine. I grabbed my notebook and decided to just be honest. Before I just journaled, but for some reason, this time, I wrote:

Jesus,

I poured my heart out on that paper. Every thought. Every feeling. I just poured myself out. For the first time, I prayed. I didn’t pray empty words or begging and pleading to God to get something. Instead I gave Him a tattered box. A box barely held together. It was torn and dirty. Its contents barely held. Inside that box were a million shattered pieces. Pieces so small they were like grains of sand. That box was by heart. My mind. My spirit. I gave it all to God. I did not know if it was possible to put it back together but I knew I couldn’t do it. I had spent close to 3 decades trying. I gave Him my heart. I gave Him everything. I gave Him my marriage. I gave Him my family. I gave Him back everything He blessed my life with.

I finally truly understood why Jesus had come and died. Because without Him I was nothing. There was no way that would ever be able to fix these things. Without Him there was no payment, no works that could be made or done to pay for the debt I owed. Without Him there was no reconciliation to my God. My Creator. My heavenly Father. There was no way to Him, accept through Christ. I prayed for Jesus to come into my heart and take over the life that was not mine. I committed my life to Him. To serve Him. To walk in the ways of my heavenly Father. That the will of my Father be done. That the purpose for all these things be His. To take back what was always His to start with.

I started to make a list of everything I knew was “wrong” with me. All the fears. All the things I believed about myself. All the things I believed about God. Then I started challenging those things by spending endless hours in His Word. Seeking and searching for answers. For the first time, I could read His Word and it jumped off the page. It soaked into my heart. It breathed life into my bones. I could hear His voice as I read each Word. I discovered the deeper truths that therapy could not give. It pointed to my pride. I was not arrogant or egotistical. I was on the opposite end. I allowed victim hood to become an identity. I was held in a prison of unforgiveness. My heart was infested by bitterness, resentment, and hate. Not at the people who had done these terrible things. It was pointed at my Creator.

I blamed Him. If He had never created me, this stuff wouldn’t have happen. Who creates someone just to be other people’s punching bag? If He was truly all powerful, why did He not punish these people. If I mattered to Him and He loved me, why did He put me in that home with those people?

The truth is He did not do these things. He gave me to two people who were tasked to take care of me and to be godly parents. Just as he tasked my husband with responsibility to be a godly man. They chose to be who they were. They chose their actions. They chose their words. No one held them at gun point and forced them to be anything other than who they chose to be. Just as He gave me the responsibility to me a godly woman. chose to be who I was. The root: God. The absence of Him and each of us choosing to not have a real relationship with Him produced dysfunction. We lent ourselves to the devil to run our lives. God was no where present in these lives. It did not mean He was not there. He was always there holding the door open.

It was a terrible truth to learn. No amount of ignorance can cover the free will choice to chose to be anything outside of who He created me to be. I do not believe the excuse that I was just doing the best I could with what I knew. There was a bible in every home. There is no excuse for living in rebellion, except I chose it. Doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results is the simple definition of insane. Its a vicious cycle that would continue if I chose to abandon God and do it on my own. I heard truth now it was up to me what I chose to do with it. I decided His way, and only His way would I go.

Truth was also leading me to a person. A person I had not seen or met for a long time. What God wanted was bring me back to His original creation. Truth revealed who I was in Christ. Who my Creator made me to be.

That little girl that shut down all those years ago. She was made in the image of her Creator. She was perfect to Him. She was special. Treasured. Beautiful. Talented. Unique. All the lies that spoke against who He created me to be, where spoken from people that did not know Him. They did not have the love of Him in them. His Word says only those that know Him, know love. They were words of cruelty spoken from the very ruler of this world. They were evil words meant to steal joy. They were meant to destroy relationships. Ultimately they were meant to destroy me as a person. These people were pawns used by evil. I was a blessing given to people. They chose to be abusive and cruel. I was not responsible for their behavior, violence, and I did not deserve the way they treated me.

I started to realize everything I had ever know about myself, God and the world around me was a big huge lie. Everything people in authority over me spoke about God was a lie. Everything people in authority over me spoke about me was a lie. The world was one big huge lie. The only truth…. THE ONLY ABSOLUTE TRUTH was within the pages of His Word. The Word of God. My spirit was set on fire. I was determined to keep finding truth.

I was led to Texas and God’s timing is always perfect. I attended a church service and left that day shook so hard in my spirit. I learned exactly what I needed. We all have needs. Deep rooted needs in our heart. We were designed with these needs by our Creator. There is nothing wrong with our needs. We have physical, emotional and spiritual needs. The problem is when we do not seek the Lord to fill those needs, we throw everything this world has at them. We use people selfishly. We selfishly seek to devour others and situations to fill these needs. They are great in the moment but they are fleeting. In the end we are just as empty as we were before. We constantly grind and scheme and throw everything into these dark matter hole in our heart. Never content. Left broken and empty.

Those needs can only be filled by God. Only God has the authority, as my creator to tell me who I am. Only God can provide for my physical, emotional, and spiritual needs. Sure, He uses others, but ultimately, others got what they have to give because He gave it to them. They did nothing to earn what they give. Everything comes from the Lord. Pay checks come from Him. A roof over our heads and clothes on our backs, comes from Him. We earn nothing. He is the ultimate protector. His truth gives discernment of good and evil. His truth discerns the works of evil and evil intentions of others. His truth reveals the motive and darkness of evil. He protects us by giving principles to live out that keep our feet on the path. To see the traps ahead and avoid them. To see the work of evil and resist temptation. To rebuke lies. God is not an authoritarian who demands perfection or else…. No He gives us simple instruction to resist and flee the things that seek to steal His joy, kill relationships and destroy us to destroy our relationship with Him.

God loves me. Its a kind of love that I have no words to describe. He sees me. He never took His eyes off of me. He walked with me. He’s chased me this entire time. He heard everything. He saw everything. He was there with me as a child. He is here with me now. He caught every single tear. He felt very single cruel word. He saw the bruises. He was there every sin I committed. He was in the depth of the darkest places. He never abandoned me. He never rejected me. He waited patiently. He knew there was a day coming. On that sunny day in Pennsylvania, He knew I would finally turn around and quit running from Him. I step out from behind the walls of my own self made prison. I chose to let Him fill my heart. I chose to trust Him for everything.

Everything I have spent my entire life looking for was found in Him.

This journey with the Lord has been about Him reconciling me to Himself and to that little girl that was hiding under the bed begging Jesus to save her. To reunite with who He created me to me. It was not my fault that others stole that identity and gave me a false one. They gave me a false gospel. I do not have to answer for that. But I did have to answer for a bible sitting on the shelf of every home I had lived in. I allowed another to reinforce that identity. But the Truth was sitting there all along. Waiting to be read. Waiting to be discovered.

I did not lose everything because someone else had the favor of God. God allowed everything to be taken so that instead of seeking love in another human, I’d seek Him. Instead of seeking worth and value in another human, I would seek it in Him. Instead of seeking protection and provision from another human, I’d seek Him. Instead of seeking purpose in a broken world, I’d seek His purpose.

What is sobriety?

It is realizing that I do not need those coping mechanisms I clung to, anymore. It is realizing the world has nothing I need. I have something far greater and perfect to cling to. Truth. I have something far more comforting. The Holy Spirit. I have something that is perfect and will not fail. Jesus. I have something that this world could never give. A God who loves me.

This does not mean life magically got easier. It got harder. The greatest test was watching someone I cared about refuse to hear truth. I stood back with God watching the full power of what evil can do. I sat back in awe of the scope and magnitude the power of evil can have when people walk in direct agreement with it. I watched God get mocked. I watched His Word get twisted to justify selfish ambition and desire. I watched in horror its full power to destroy.

But I can stand confidently and say I did not participate in the final destruction. I chose to cling to God. I refused to participate in the hypocrisy and twisting of scripture. I refused to participate in something that goes against the very character and nature of God. What I saw was the reflection of God in each choice made; or the lack of reflection.

I still struggle at times with the noise. I have had dark hours of doubt and trembling. Every time I run purposely to the Lord and seek His safety. Seek rest and I am reminded of who He is. I look back to three years ago today and do not even recognize who I was. Every temptation. Every test. Every squeeze. Every furnace is the Lord showing me who I am. It’s His transformation of bringing me back to who He created me to be.

If you are struggling with sobriety, can I encourage you to take an honest look within your heart? What is it you really need? Are you letting God fill the needs of your heart? The deep rooted basic needs?

I know how hard it is to trust, especially when you have had to suppress or deny your own basic needs. When you have sacrificed your needs for others and you were given nothing in return. Can I encourage you to risk it all? Risk everything on God? To boldly trust in Him that He is all you need?

We need community, but even deeper, we need to let Him fill these holes. Only by doing so can we truly understand who He is and who we are. What He fills us with, we splash on others. Only by understanding Him and letting Him fill us can we understand how to love others, including ourselves.

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