It Starts Small

I found myself in a place, a year ago, of great confusion. While in a therapy session I described a situation to my therapist. I laid out all the events and what was spoken, but also this confusion because nothing was as spoken by a person. What this person said was not matching what they were doing and I was really confused by it. My therapist asked me if I knew what manipulation was. I am familiar with the term, but the definition was lost on me.

Manipulation are specific ways an emotional abuser attacks their victim. The tactics are used to control the person by eroding their self-confidence and cultivating a deep dependence on the abuser.

Psychological and emotional manipulations goal is to break down someone’s sense of self. It takes the form of withholding affection or attention, aggressive or intimidating behavior, and verbal abuse. It is deceptive and meant to be sneaky so the abuser can confuse the victim and leave them off balance. Which is what I was feeling. I was confused and did not understand the situation.

Coercive Manipulation is a pattern of behaviour designed to intimidate someone. Through coercive control, an abuser uses threats of harm, punishment, or humiliation to control the survivor’s behaviour. Later, this same person would switch from Psychological/emotional manipulation to coercive manipulation.

The following are signs we can identify manipulators:

Gaslighting

Gaslighting is the tactic to get you to question yourself. They want you to question what you remember, your trust in yourself, what you are feeling, and even your own identity. They use situations to manipulate you to instill doubt in yourself. A manipulator does this so you eventually trust and do what they say without question.

This is was a huge red flag for me. I never had an inkling to doubt this person. I believed every lie that poured out of their mouth. Why would I distrust them? They spoke about God, and Jesus, and their desires to seek Him. They even went as far as to use sermons from a Pastor to get me to believe their intent.

Triangulation

Triangulation is using a third person to sway an argument. A manipulator strategically uses this tactic to ensure that they win the argument. They frontload the third person with false information so that when disagreement happens, that person will automatically take their side. This encouraged the victim to question the manipulator less frequently and to stop questioning them all together. It can also be a tactic to make a victim feel isolated. If no one takes their side, they will question themselves indead of the manipulator.

Projection

This is a psychological defence mechanism. A person forces their feelings, characteristics, or desires onto the other person. It is a bit hard to describe this one, but think of it this way, a manipulator tells you that you are controlling, because you offer alternative activities or advocate to do something for yourself. The purpose of projecting to to take away the identity of a victim.

Name Calling

A manipulator labels a victim’s personality traits or behaviors with negative verbiage. This is to get a victim to believe they are less than worthy to be treated better. This often starts in small offensive ways and builds in intensity and frequency.

Moving the Goalposts

This is someone who manipulates the rules of a situation midway through in order to prevent the other person from succeeding. It could be giving extra stipulations needed for success or highlighting disqualifying elements. A manipulator uses this tactic to keep the other person in a state of chasing their approval. This is exactly where this person had me. I felt like every benchmark was taking steps backwards rather than progressing towards the spoken goal and commitment made.

Love Bombing

This is perhaps the worst tactic used by manipulators. They bombard a victim with affection, intense emotions, and an excess of their time an energy. They use tactics of gift-giving, making elaborate declarations of admiration, spend their time and energy on pleasing a victim. A manipulator uses this to quickly build intimacy and trust. This is exactly what had happen in my situation. They used this tactic, manipulators use this tactic to get me to pursue what they wanted and they prey on a person’s natural desire to feel wanted and appreciated. It is a tool to increase a person’s devotion to the manipulator.

Playing on Insecurities

This is another cuel tactic by manipulators. They are highly skilled in noticing a person’s insecurities and intensifying them. It can be very devastating when you have trusted a person to the point you tell them what your insecurities are. The manipulator targets a person’s shame, which is an internalized feeling of inadequacy. Since shame is a painful emotion, triggering this encourages a victim to comply. Manipulators are skilled in knowing what triggers their victims. They know your wounds and they know how to poke and prod your wounds to get them to do what they want.

Silent Treatment

This is an intentional manipulation tactic. A manipulator will intentionally shut down communication and connection as a form of punishment. Many times it is because the manipulator accomplished their goal and no longer need you. Once you have done what they wanted you to, they write you off as if you did not exist at all. Then when you question their actions, they use tactics like gaslighting, name calling or projection to make the issue a result of you and not them.

Passive Aggressiveness

This type of tactic uses methods to indicate something without outright saying it. It is sarcasm, pouting, pity parties, or backhanded compliments.

Blame Game

When a victim of manipulation and emotional abuse speaks up, the manipulator works hard to shut it down by convincing them they were the ones who did something wrong. Manipulators shift the blame of their own abuse on the victim. It comes out like: If you had not done xyz, I would not have to do xyz.

Using Threats or Coercion

This is considered emotional manipulation when a manipulator threatens to leave you if you do not comply with what they want. They take something important to you and refuse to give it back unless you comply. This can even be the treat of hurting themselves if you do not do what they want.

There are many more signs, but these are the most noticeable signs. This is what Psychology tells us manipulation is, but let us also look at the Word of God to get God’s definition of manipulation and see what he has to say about manipulation and manipulators.

Fools

Manipulation is as old as the sun is. The Bible has a term for someone who manipulates: a fool. Today we think of a fool as someone in a costume going around making a fool of themselves to get people to laugh. We assume they are unintelligent, maybe some are, but most often fools are very intelligent people. A fool knows exactly what they are doing. The Bible says fools are unwise and deceptive.

Fools Despises Godly Wisdom

² A fool does not delight in understanding,
but only wants to show off his opinions.
Proverbs 18:2 (CSB)

Fools DO NOT care about Respecting Others

¹⁵ Fools are headstrong and do what they like;
    wise people take advice.
Proverbs 12:15 (MSG)

Fools harbor bitterness and Gossip

¹⁸ The one who conceals hatred has lying lips,
and whoever spreads slander is a fool.
Proverbs 10:18

A Fool only cares about starting fights

⁶ A fool’s lips lead to strife,
and his mouth provokes a beating.
Proverbs 18:6

Fools are wreckless

¹⁶ A wise person is cautious and turns from evil,
but a fool is easily angered and is careless.
Proverbs 14:16

Fools DO NOT CARE about who they hurt

⁵ A fool will no longer be called a noble,
nor a scoundrel said to be important.
⁶ For a fool speaks foolishness
and his mind plots iniquity.
He lives in a godless way
and speaks falsely about the Lord.
He leaves the hungry empty
and deprives the thirsty of drink.
⁷ The scoundrel’s weapons are destructive;
he hatches plots to destroy the needy with lies,
even when the poor person says what is right.
Isaiah 32:5-7

All of what Psychology lists about manipulations can be summed up in that last set of verses in Isaiah. My heart was crushed. I wanted to be mad at myself for not seeing all the years of manipulation. I can not wrap my mind around the type of person or evil then empower to do such awful things to another person. Especially being in a position of authority and trust. Where does this come from?

It comes from the master of deception. It comes from the bidding of doing exactly what the sinister minister of evil desires. God’s Word tells us that Satan is the father of lies and deception.

⁴⁴ You are of your father the devil, and you want to carry out your father’s desires. He was a murderer from the beginning and does not stand in the truth, because there is no truth in him. When he tells a lie, he speaks from his own nature, because he is a liar and the father of lies. John 8:44

The very definition of manipulation is, the action of deceiving someone. The power to pull of manipulations comes straight from the ultimate deceiver, satan.

¹⁴ And no wonder! For Satan disguises himself as an angel of light. 2 Corinthians 11:14

So we know what a manipulator is, what they are driven by, but what are we to do about them? If you are dealing with this sort of person it can feel overwhelming, confusing, and like you are the one going crazy. How Does God want us to respond?

One question will float in your mind, How can I get them to understand me?

The answer is that you can’t. Believe me I tried in vain to understand and get them to see what they were doing was not right. It falls on deaf ears. Read through that list of what the Bible says about fools again. Someone who consistently behaves in this manner is not interested in understanding you.

Help is Near!

God’s Word does tell us however, how to deal with fools.

Limit your words and Interactions

⁷ Stay away from a foolish person;
you will gain no knowledge from his speech.
Proverbs 14:7

⁹ Don’t speak to a fool,
for he will despise the insight of your words.
Proverbs 23:9

⁴ Don’t answer a fool according to his foolishness
or you’ll be like him yourself.
⁵ Answer a fool according to his foolishness
or he’ll become wise in his own eyes.
Proverbs 26:4-5

Less is more when dealing with a fool. When it comes to communicating with a manipulator, you will not win a war of words. Limit your conversation and communication to necessary facts. If possible, have a witness present in your communication that is not partial to the situation. A church elder is one possibility. DO not ask family members or close personal friends to be a witness as it is putting them in the middle of the issues.

Let the foolish person suffer his/her own consequences.

⁷ A fool’s mouth is his devastation,
and his lips are a trap for his life.
Proverbs 18:7

⁷ Don’t be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap, Galatians 6:7

Believe me I understand how hard it is to resist wanting to show empathy care or compassion for this person. The road they are on is only one that ends in ruin and destruction. One of the best examples is the Parable of the Prodigal Son in Luke Chapter 15. There is great wisdom in letting fools fall into their own nets.

Stay anchored in your own integrity.

¹¹ A fool gives full vent to his anger,
but a wise person holds it in check.
Proverbs 29:11

⁸ because the one who sows to his flesh will reap destruction from the flesh, but the one who sows to the Spirit will reap eternal life from the Spirit. Galatians 6:8

Stay true to the work of God’s Spirit in you. Focus on the activities and relationships in your life that ARE bearing fruit. Don’t let the fool rob you of the good works God has given to you to do.

Surround yourself with wise people.

¹⁵ A fool’s way is right in his own eyes,
but whoever listens to counsel is wise.
Proverbs 12:15

²⁰ The one who walks with the wise will become wise,
but a companion of fools will suffer harm.
Proverbs 13:20

If you have to deal with a manipulator on a day to day basis, it is critical that you surround yourself with good people who love you and bring out the best in you. You will need reminders of who you are and whose you are. Wise people help you anchor yourself in what is true, noble, and good. They form a hedge of protection around you heart, soul, mind, and body.

Trust in God’s justice.

⁷ Don’t be deceived: God is not mocked. For whatever a person sows he will also reap, Galatians 6:7

³⁵ Vengeance and retribution belong to me.
In time their foot will slip,
for their day of disaster is near,
and their doom is coming quickly.”
Deuteronomy 32:35

Read that again: No one makes a fool of God. It can be hard to know that someone is manipulating you. But, at the end of the day, the truth will win out. Take charge of what you can: limit your words and your interactions, keep your own integrity intact. Stay wise. God will handle the things that you can’t.

The good news is this: while the Enemy of our souls is the Father of Lies (John 8:44), we have access to the One who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. Armour up with the help of friends, God, the Bible, and possibly a good therapist. Anchor yourself in your body and pay attention to the cues.

I understand the shock, anger, and confusion it can cause the moment you realize that someone is a complete farce and lie. Everything they have ever done was not based in love, grace, and mercy, as they confessed or professed. Instead they are lead by a type of evil most of us can not wrap our minds around. It hurts. Seek to give forgiveness! Harboring your emotions and anger will only lead to bitterness and resentment. Instead of being frozen in the situation, look beyond it and see it as opportunity for God to exercise His love grace and mercy. Pray for the person. Most of all, I encourage you seek professional counseling to help you process the betrayal and effects this sort of abuse has on you.