It Starts Small

Jesus spoke very powerful words concerning the fear of rejection:

¹⁶ He that heareth you heareth me; and he that despiseth you despiseth me; and he that despiseth me despiseth him that sent me. Luke 10:16

What is the fear of rejection?

We have three very distinct needs in our life and one of them deals with relationships. We desire to be needed, wanted, and loved by others. This was part of what God made in all of us. He made us to have this desire because only he can fill this desire in our lives. He is perfection and only he can fill this desire. WHen he fills this desire, we quit looking to selfishly fill that desire from others. Christ changes our us from being lonely to filled so we can fill the needs of others in our relationships without the expectation for getting something back.

Satan is very crafty! He uses three distinct fears to separate us from God. One of these fears is the fear of rejection. This fear causes us to be afraid of not being liked, being abandoned, not fitting in, or being alone. Most often, the fear of rejection accompanies low self-esteem, lack of confidence, shame, and guilt. The fear of rejection causes people to spend a lot of time worrying about what others think of them.

The signs of the fear of rejection are:

• Being a people-pleaser
• Taking on too many responsibilities
• Having trouble saying no
• Working too hard
• Hiding your true thoughts/feelings from others
• Staying in unhealthy relationships
• Fear of failure
• Perfectionism
• Codependency
• Putting up with poor treatment from others

We have all experienced this fear. Public speaking, for example is a type of fear of rejection. The ancient parts of the human brain including the amygdala can register a rejection as life-threatening. Common fears related to rejection can be normal and expected, but can cause problems when they start to negatively impact a person’s life.

The fear of rejection can cause other mental health concerns such as OCD and PTSD. With OCD, for example, can cause rumination and obsessive thinking about whether someone is liked or accepted by their romantic interests, peers, or coworkers. PTSD triggers, not only the fight or flight response, but also what is now termed, the fawn response. Rejection can cause a person to fawn which is the act of desperately trying to smooth things over and please others in order to avoid conflict or rejection.

Fear of rejection causes harm to personal and professional relationships:

Rejection is Careers: missing out on good opportunities, not asking for pay increases or discussing needed changes to work responsibilities, or staying stuck in their current position due to fear. Someone with a fear of rejection at work may also work way too hard or for too long to try to prove themselves.

Rejection in Relationships: Fear of rejection in romantic relationships can lead to not showing interest or sharing feelings with a potential partner, or result in jealousy, insecurity, or neediness. People may also push others away before they get close, to try to avoid this fear. When one partner in a committed relationship has relationship anxiety and is not able to feel secure or comfortable, their constant need for reassurance often becomes a strain on the relationship. When this happens, fear of rejection becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Rejection is Community: Many people struggle with social anxiety and fear of being rejected in social settings. Someone with this fear may avoid social gatherings or stand against the wall and avoid talking to others. Some of the fears that may come up are fear of not knowing what to say, fear of saying something stupid, forgetting someone’s name, or feeling awkward. The problem with this is that humans need connection. As scary as it may seem to put oneself out there, avoidance can lead to isolation and loneliness. 

Rejection in Creativity and Talent: Fear of rejection can stifle creativity. Someone with this fear may hesitate to try something new or explore a creative pursuit. Those who are creative may hesitate to share their work with anyone, or ask for the help they need to master their skills. This fear can keep people stuck and stop them from sharing their creativity and talent.

You can see how this fear is a masterful tact by satan to separate us from not just our Heavenly Father, but from developing healthy relationships in our personal lives, community, and professional relationships. Anything he can do to isolate us in our minds he we do or use.

I suffered from CPTSD (complex post traumatic stress disorder) . I was misdiagnosed as borderline personality disorder. CPTSD is difficulty controlling your emotions, feeling very angry or distrustful towards the world, constant feelings of emptiness or hopelessness, feeling as if you are permanently damaged or worthless, feeling as if you are completely different to other people, feeling like nobody can understand what happened to you, avoiding friendships and relationships, or finding them very difficult, and often experiencing dissociative symptoms such as depersonalisation or derealisation. Because of this, I was prime real estate for Satan to get me to have this irrational fear of rejection.

My CPSTD came at the hands of childhood neglect and abandonment followed by years of domestic violence. Years of constantly being told that I was the reason people acted and did what they they did. You get told enough times something, you begin to believe it. I took on the hate of others and believed I deserved it was ok for people to put their hands on me, and emotionally and psychologically abuse me. If I was not perfect, they would abandon me.

Is there Hope?

We can look at the psychology and how fear controls the mind, but let’s look at God’s Word for hope!

Perfect Love Casts out Fear!

¹⁸ There is no fear in love; but perfect love casts out fear, because fear involves torment. But he who fears has not been made perfect in love. 1 John 4:18

Remember I said above we have these three distinct needs or desires? Only perfect love can fulfill this need in our lives. There is no perfect love on this planet. So often, we try to fill this void with people, jobs, fame, fortune, etc, but that whole never seems to get filled. We find ourselves constantly feeling lonely and empty. Abandoned. Rejected. Only the perfect love of our Heavenly Father can fulfill this desire.

When we choose to accept, trust and believe that our Heavenly Father loves us, cares for us, protects us, and will never leave us, this desire and need is completely met. We need to sink our spiritual teeth into the Character of WHO God is. Ask ourselves do we truly trust God in WHO he is and not WHAT we can get from him? Often fear is the direct result of a lack of belief in WHO our Heavenly Father is. We can trust in all he IS!

You are Someone to Him!

The world will reject us. Our family will reject us. Our friends will reject us. Our community will reject us. BUT we do not have to fear!

¹¹ For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

God has a great future planned out for each of us. He did not accidently create us. There are no mistakes in his creation. If we’re going to be free from fear and really pursue everything God has for our lives, we have to make a decision that we won’t be controlled by the fear. We completely trust in our Heavenly Father that we do not need the acceptance of fellow humans to exist. We do not need humans to fill wanted, needed, or loved because ultimately, our creator fulfills that need in us.

Be Courageous!

I have recently read the story of Joyce Meyer. What in an incredibly encouraging story. When she started to obey what God called her to do, ultimately her church asked her to leave, friends and even family rejected and abandoned her, but she put all that fear of being rejected in the hands of our Heavenly Father and boldly she stepped out in faith. People are going to reject us because ultimately they reject our Heavenly Father.

¹³ I can do all things through Christ which strengtheneth me. Philippians 4:13

Christ fills our heart with perfect love to cast out all fear. He gives us the strength and boldness to reject the fear of man.

A great example is found in Jeremiah. GOd told Jeremiah that what you are going to say is going to cause the people to reject and abandon you, but….there’s always a but!

¹⁷ Thou therefore gird up thy loins, and arise, and speak unto them all that I command thee: be not dismayed at their faces, lest I confound thee before them. Jeremiah 1:17

God says, do not let the fear of man stop you from doing what I have commanded you! I love this! God is the source of our strength, boldness, and courage!

We never have to fear being rejected or abandoned, because our Heavenly Father will never reject or abandon us. When others reject and abandon us, it is because they reject and abandon our Heavenly Father. In Him, he fills our need to be loved, a perfect love, and it casts out the fear of man.