It Starts Small

It has been an interesting few weeks. I have been struggling with these panic attacks. I have analyzed them from every mental health tool I have learned. They would come when my phone would chime and at random moments. The best I can describe them is my heart would begin racing fro an adrenaline rush. I’d feel panic, like I needed to run from danger. They would happen at work. They would happen when I would wake up, except I had not had a bad dream. I could not figure out the source of them.

I had gotten together with a few friends to study God’s Word and I asked for prayer over them. I reached out to a couple other more spiritually mature people. I had not really prayed over them. Instead I was trying to find the source so I had something to pray about.

During our little Bible study, something that was spoken by each person jumped out at me. I had that winner winner chicken dinner moment. I wrote it dow on a piece of paper and figured I would go back to it later. Yesterday morning when I woke up, two words came to my mind immediately: light and conflict. I try to make it a habit to write down my first thoughts of the day. Sometimes they are a song lyric or a passage of scripture, or nothing at all. A spiritual mentor said to keep track of it. Sometimes it is the Word of God speaking to us.

Light and Conflict?

I grabbed my coffee and began to pray. I have shared that sometimes while praying my mind drifts off and the Holy Spirit has to poke me to remind me I am praying. But something different happen to me. I started thinking about what Jesus said in John. (John 15:18-27) He spoke to his disciples and said the world hates him, therefore, they will hate you.

I thought about how Jesus is the light that illuminates darkness. He shines his spot light on us to reveal our sin nature. He reveals everything about us be it good or bad. I thought about all the times he spoke truth to the Pharisees and they refused the truth and sought to destroy him. (Winner winner chicken dinner)

God has spoken through his Word and Holy Spirit to reveal some really amazing truth. I have tried to share that truth, but it has fallen completely on deaf ears. He has asked me to do some really odd, in my human eyes, things. What I have been “feeling” lately is that I am causing conflict. I hate conflict!

I have never had a backbone for self, let along Christ or my Heavenly Father. I simply went along, to get along. We have a huge responsibility as Christians to be obedient to what our Heavenly Father asks of us. He wants our obedience, no matter how much it goes against this world or others. God is not asking me to do something wrong, but to trust and believe in Him. I learned a phrase awhile ago, my response is my responsibility.

I have to obey my Heavenly Father over everything. It is hard. I thought I was causing conflict, but yesterday he revealed, it is truth that causes conflict. When others refuse His truth, they are in disobedience and rebellion. That is where the conflict occurs. The Pharisees hated the truth. The truth exposed them for who and what they truly were. They wanted to shut Jesus up and destroy Him because he spoke truth about them.

There was this conflict going on inside of me. I was not doubting was I have bee asked to do, but there was this grip of fear trying to grab ahold of me: I am causing conflict. I am being used as a vessel to speak truth and what gets done with that truth is up to the person it is spoke to. All I can do is continue to respond to God in obedience.

I have never taken a stand for the Kingdom of God or my Heavenly Father before. What is amazing is the peace and joy that fills my heart. To know I am finally doing right I His eyes. No matter what comes, no matter what evil throws this way, no weapon formed will prosper against the mighty power of God. I just have to keep looking up and just trust. Obey, believe and trust.

I responded to God by praising His answer to prayer and laid that idea that I was causing trouble down on the alter. I committed my life to being obedient to his spoken and written word. Yesterday I was filled with His confidence and I am so thankful we have a Heavenly Father who loves us and cares for us. He reveals when we ask!