It Starts Small

Coming back to Colorado, to my home, was such an exciting time. I had decided to drive the entire 15 hours straight from Texas. Man, I can’t even describe the excitement. I was going to get to spend some time with my youngest daughter. We were working on rebuilding our relationship with each other. I was excited because I had believed that a great victory was being given and something powerful was going to happen. I had prayed, God, don’t bring me back until you know I’m ready and have a true purpose of reconciliation and your good work can begin in us.

The whole drive here was incredible. I had actually missed my exit and in the process of taking a side road, I encountered an hours old baby fawn and doe. It was incredible! The entire drive, I praised my Father in heaven that I was going to be apart of and witness a great victory and miracle. This was our moment. The walls had come crashing down and this was it! All the commitments and spoken desires were going to be laid forward.

I wasn’t driving into a great victory. I was driving into a massive category five hurricane of massive scale confusion. I had sensed weeks earlier something was off. There was something that wasn’t right in the situation and I brushed it off as fear. I kept laying it on the alter and refused to be afraid of these amazing things that were coming. I prayed And asked for Jesus to reveal what the shift was. I prayed for all deceptions, lies and manipulations to be revealed if there were any. That drive, that drive had me forgetting about the shift. I was finally going home. I finally had a chance for my family to see God’s handy work and to see his reflection in me.

Each morning I woke up even more confused than the day before. Nothing was making sense. When I tried to ask questions, honest question it blew up into an argument. All of the things I had shared, and over come through my journey, where thrown back at me like fiery darts. It pierced my heart with frustration and confusion. I honestly didn’t understand anything that was going on.

I was fortunate to attend a wedding and get to stay at my dads place for a few days. The hurricane of confusion spit seeds of disappointment and doubt. Why on earth would God bring me back if not to show a great victory in our lives? Isn’t that what he had promised? Surrender all to me and I will deliver you. I sat in an open pasture watching the sunrise and contemplated these things. My frustration boiled over on the inside. Jesus, I don’t understand?

Why are you disappointed? I Showed you what you asked me to show you. It was a valid question Jesus spoke. I had spent the last few weeks asking him to show me, and he was showing me something, but I wasn’t quite sure what I was seeing. No, you don’t what accept the truth. There it was. Jesus was revealing he had spoken and revealed a truth but I wasn’t accepting it, but what was the truth he was showing me?

My mind shifted to trying to look at what was going to come. I had surmised he was showing me that the purpose he had spoken to me, a year prior over this amazing place was being taken away. We had messed everything up and he was going to give this place to someone else and the purpose was going to be given to someone else. was this what he wanted to show me? Was he showing me what happens when we ruin what he’s give us?

Jesus, I need help to know what to do next. Should I just go back to Texas? No. Should I try to find a place in Wyoming because I know you’ve spoken over these things, so should I be closer so when he’s ready, I’m right there? No. Am I supposed to stay in the valley and find a place there? No.

At this point frustration started brewing inside me. I cut off the conversation and started to wonder if all this was crazy train. I started to wonder if there was no real victory coming. Did I misunderstand what had been spoken? Did I not understand God’s desire and heart for us? Was I even supposed to be here? Did I just give victory to evil? Had my heart so desperately wanted the things God spoken that I made a horrible error in thinking I was to come back here? Was it evil that spoke the idea so it could prosper and shred God’s creation?

I flipped back in my journal and looked at the words that were spoken. I’m so glad I write everything down. There had to be something I was missing. “Go home and …..” Damn it! I don’t know if that’s a curse word, but there it was. I only heard parts of what God has spoken and didn’t catch the rest. I was so excited to be able to help my husband. He was struggling in his job and overwhelmed. I truly believed that this was the moment of victory God was giving. We had been talking about building this simple life of just serving and worshiping God together. I thought this was the answer to what I had praying for and asking for. That God would open the door to allow our hearts desire for him to be in the midst of everything and bring us to this new place together. He was sending Dan ahead to prepare this new life he was going to bring to us.

I was using my own understanding and not looking to and seeking God’s understanding of why he asked me to come here. I took it upon myself to just assume and not fully seek His understanding. First he asked me to come home, and second he would reveal what I was asking him to reveal. God’s purpose doesn’t bring disappointment and doubt. His truth doesn’t bring disappointment. Only our own understanding brings disappointment.

Jesus, what is the purpose of that place? I confess I never sought you or asked you what your will is for that place. I just trusted (winner winner chicken dinner) he was doing what you wanted him to be doing. There it was again, I was still doing what my old nature did. I trusted in something that was outside God. I put my faith into someone else’s faith. I had put my trust in my old idol. Even when I knew something was off, instead of seeking God I ignored his warning and went right back to what I had always done. Put my trust in something that led to disappointment and discouragement. It was leading me to doubt everything that had happen through Christ.

From the heart the mouth speaks. Everything that had been revealed and spoken was truth I didn’t want to accept. Everything was a lie, manipulation, and deception, and while I didn’t understand why, I know the WHO. I knew who wasn’t present in the words and heart revealed to me. I was instantly sad inside. I was sad that everything being done was not done through God. Why?

Jesus spoke and said, the why is not important, only the WHO is. You have to pick a side. Let him go. Let God our Father deal with him and you trust that in all these things, he’s working goodness to those who love him. He is absolute truth. His truth is death to doubt, disappointment, and discouragement. He speaks truth and doesn’t change his purpose on a whim. He knows yesterday, he knows right now, and he knows tomorrow. All that he is doing is for his greater purpose.

I knew he was right because there was no fear in what he spoke. This was the hardest step of faith to take. To just trust that God spoke absolute truth. Jesus, what are you asking of me in this moment beside to just trust what I don’t understand?

Stand.

I began to cry. I didn’t know how to stand. I knew he was asking me to walk against this world and it’s influence of evil. Throw the death clothes into the grave and completely trust not in what I could see as it was temporary, but to trust in what wasn’t seen which was eternal. To believe that the same power that was residing over my own transformation could transform the very darkness of everything into a new day, a new morning.

You can not stand on your own. You ca not carry this burden on your own.

I knew Jesus was right. I couldn’t stand up without his strength courage and boldness. I couldn’t have compassion and love or speak truth without him. Something changed in me that morning. I looked upon my husband with a great sorrow for him. I desperately wanted him to know God as I knew him. To experience his power of truth and how it heals and brings a great understanding and reveals the mystery of everything. There was in deed a great purpose in all these things that had happen. As much as my heart was filled with sorrow, it was filled with an even greater love. A love I had never known. A love I had always tried to find and tried to give, but would never be possible without truth.

A great confidence settled over the top of me that morning. A confidence that while I couldn’t understand the present, I knew the future and that wasn’t seeing events, but just knowing and believing in the WHO. I cried the morning he left because I knew the truth in it all but I cried in sorrow. Not because all was lost, but because all was gain. That miracle that was spoken was yet to come. I had to choose to let go and just let God work. Trust completely in him and not the darkness that had settled over the top of everything.

That morning, as the sun rose out of the sunrise, I asked again, what is your will for that place and how do I serve my purpose to stand? His answer would be the greatest struggle of doubt I would have to overcome.