It Starts Small

I’d been searching my whole life for relief. Relief from fear, hurt, pain, habitual sin… I tried finding it in my marriage by being a “good” wife. I tried to find it in being a “good” mother. I tried to find it in being a “good” worker. I tried finding it in being a “good” friend. I tried to find it alcohol. I tried to find it in therapy. Many times I had said, I just need everything to stop for five minutes so I can catch my breath. I tried to live in denial. I tried to obey rules. I tried to just hide. I tried….and tried…and tried.

Nothing brought my spirit relief from the emptiness and loneliness I had on the inside. Nothing brought me happiness or joy. I was waiting for this religious miraculous healing everyone claimed God could do. My bitterness with God was why can’t you fix me? Why can’t you heal me? Why can’t you touch me like that woman who was afflicted for 12 years? I’d beg God to reach down and touch me. I was looking for a “magical touch.”

When Jesus saw him lie, and knew that he had been now a long time in that case, he saith unto him, Wilt thou be made whole? John 5:6

Jesus didn’t come to the earth to heal, he came to the earth to make us whole. To restore our hearts and minds and reveal his Father, our creator. He came and self sacrificed himself so that he could be our reconciliation to God our Father. It’s through seeking Him, we are made whole. Not healed, but made whole.

and you will know the truth, and the truth will set you free. John 8:32

There’s no magic touch. I do believe in miraculous physical healing. God preformed a miracle of healing me from my cancer. I know when it happen. I was laying in bed one night after being told the chemo wasn’t working as well as they had hoped. There was a civil war going on inside of me. I was going to die a horrible death. I wasn’t ready to die. That night I prayed and told God, they can’t heal me. They can remove the bones and pour poison into me hoping it’ll kill this cancer inside me, but I know only you can heal me. If I am worthy and there’s purpose for me by you, please heal me. If I’m not healed, then I know you no longer have purpose for me. I know you’ll take care of Dan and the kids.

I have never forgotten about that night. In the years following I secretly prayed for God’s purpose to revealed. I was still here. But my heart became hardened. The more backwards everything slipped, the less I began to believe there was any hope to anything. The less I believed I had purpose. Maybe my punishment was to live out this life In fear, sorrow, hurt, and pain. My judgment for my sins was to suffer to old age. (Pretty irrational, I know)

No, healing didn’t come by some sort of supernatural touch as it did that night. What I had been searching for was to be made whole. There was no supernatural magic formula or pills. It wasn’t a how but a WHO. What healed me was seeking and building a relationship with Jesus. Through Jesus, God revealed himself, and by revealing himself in his truth of who he is, he revealed who I am. It’s absolute truth that touches our hearts and minds. It’s only by believing in God’s truth that I was healed and through truth, God began to transform me. Transform my dirty filthy heart. Mend my broken mind.

We are powerless to change ourselves. Sure, we can try positive thinking. We can read self help books. We can change our physical bodies. We can change our job. We can change our location. We can even go the opposite extreme and remove everyone from our lives. But real change…. Real change happens on the inside. That change can only happen by accepting God’s truth. It comes by believing and giving our lives back to him knowing that they weren’t ours to begin with. Real change comes by accepting everything we ever knew was a lie about this world. Real change comes by a relationship, not external changes to ourselves.

I knew there was yet one more thing that had to be done. I prayed.

Father,

Giving Forgiveness is only part of it. I must seek to ask for forgiveness. I know I have hurt my family. I hurt my husband. I hurt my children. Father, so long ago I never had the intentions of any of this ever happening, but I had a role in it all. Father, help me to take responsibility for all I have done. Help me to face them and speak truthfully. To not make excuses but just confess myself as your word says and ask that they forgive me. I wasn’t a good wife or a good mom or a good daughter or a good sister or a good friend. Help me to have the words needed to confess myself to all of them. Help me Father.

In Jesus Precious Name,

Amen.

I sought out the very people I had hurt. It was hard, only because I knew there was always a chance I wouldn’t be forgiven. I didn’t fear that. I had hope in my heart that through great confessions comes great forgiveness and revival. Before speaking to them, I prayed for God’s hand to bring reconciliation. Bring healing to their lives by confessing who I am and the things I had done. To soften their hearts and to be able to look beyond what I had done to see His reflection in me.

The blessing you receive when those you have wronged, truly forgive you is unexplainable. There’s no words to describe when someone has forgiven you. Not casual forgiveness. Not a dissertation of forgiveness but true forgiveness. It’s a gift given. It’s God’s mercy and grace worked through that person to you. I was so thankful for my kid’s forgiveness. There was no more secrets. I’m so thankful for their blessing of forgiveness. So much so, I told them don’t get me anything for the holidays. Your gift of forgiveness is more mighty than anything you could ever give me. Loving me, accepting me, is a gift I will cherish all the days of my life and never take for granted.

There’s freedom in speaking truth. There’s freedom in confessing yourself to those you have wronged.

Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much. James 5:16

I’m thankful for the reconciliation God has brought to my relationship with my kids. Family, is worshiping the Great I Am together. Family, is falling together and rising together. It’s knowing we all fall short but we love each other and support each other through encouragement and prayer. Sharing our walk with each other. It’s not being afraid to share our struggles. It’s sharing our faith and growth, understanding and truth our Heavenly Father reveals. We have this thing we do when we need prayer. We text a 🙏 to each other. Sometimes you can’t explain what’s going on but you just need prayer.

Giving and receiving forgiveness is divine.

That night, after I made all my calls that day, I sat there in wonder and awe. What was this? Not all forgiveness was given but I knew it was in God’s hands. After all, you can only truly forgive with his grace and mercy. I prayed that those who had not forgiven me, would receive it from Him. But, I sat there just smiling. I praised God for his healing. I praised him for his blessing. His faithfulness. I think I finally found the peace I had been looking for. The filling of the holes. The filling of the emptiness. For bringing peace to my heart and mind.

I took the journal laying on the table and flipped to the coffee and tear stained page of questions. What was next? I finally felt whole. I finally felt like I could start to read and understand. Hear and see. I felt like it was time to start walking a steady pace of seeking more truth. I scanned the list and asked Jesus to help me. Faith. Faith jumped out at me.

What is faith?