It Starts Small

I looked down this line of people. What do I see? It was obvious to see evil. Everything that had been done was done through evil. I was really sad to see almost all of them had those eyes I spoke about in my dream. I didn’t now what that meant, but I added it to my ever growing list of questions.

Jesus knew what I was thinking, and he spoke, look deeper.

I had to step even closer to each person. I didn’t think about what was said or done, I just peered into their eyes. I don’t know where I heard it, but I heard once the eyes are the window to the soul. I recall wondering who these people really were. I stepped to the first person in the line. I asked and expected no answer, what made you the way you are? To my surprise, the first person held out their hands. Their hands were cupped and inside was a handful of tears. They gave me their tears. As I held them in my hands I could feel their pain, hurt, and suffering.

As I walked down the line each person put in my hands parts of them that you could not see. At the end of the line my hands were full of heaviness. I could sense the fear, pain, hurt, sadness, addictions, depression, confusion, pride, selfishness. I knew what these were because I myself had experienced these things.

I took a step back holding these tears, I could feel my own tears sliding down my cheeks. A few of these people were horrible people, but I didn’t have hate for them. My heart broke for them. Hurt people, hurt people. It was a saying I constantly grew tired of hearing in therapy. That’s when the bell rung in my mind.

I turned to Jesus. I spoke, I am no different from them and they are no different from me. We have all fallen short of what God our Father created us to be. Somewhere in each of these lives, someone or something caused their own hurt and suffering and over time, through their own bitterness, unbelief, and unforgiveness they had become what the Bible promises. They are all prisoners of their own bitterness and hate. They are prisoners of their guilt and shame. They are prisoners of their sin and unbelief. They are like me. We ALL come short.

I cried for a long time over these people. Perhaps I even cried for myself. We ALL come so far short of God’s grace and mercy. My heart hurt for them. My heart hurt that they didn’t know the love of God their creator. They didn’t know they weren’t created for a life of suffering and hurt. I didn’t understand how my own suffering and pain could ever be a blessing, but I was starting to understand. I always said I didn’t believe God had a meter of the worst sins and least worst. Sin is just sin, no matter how much devastation it causes, it’s all the same. It destroys our relationship with God and his creation of us, our marriages, our families, and the work and purpose he has in us.

As I stood with these people, I realized, none had done worse than the other or myself. We ALL…came….short. None shorter than the other.

In that moment I was blessed with understanding. Perhaps, our pain and suffering was different, but I could honestly say I understood what it does when it gives power to evil. All of us had become pawns of satan and his game. His game was to hurt God through us and the icing was watching people destroy themselves and others. Satan enjoyed and was rejoicing his handy work was tearing the very creation of myself, my marriage and my family apart.

I knew there was only one thing I could do. I stood in front of all of them and spoke, I forgive all of you. I kneeled to the ground holding these tears in my hands and I held them close to my heart.

Father,

Please forgive me. Forgive my foolishness and ignorance. Father thank you for showing me what I could always see but didn’t understand. Father forgive me for not forgiving these people. Thank you for bringing me to this point in my life to have true repentance and redemption to close the gap between us and to see truth. Thank you for your eyes to see. Your heart to love. Your mind for understanding your truth. Father, you said truth would set you free, and I thank you for the freedom you are giving me through your truth and understanding. Father, most of these people are no longer on this earth, but for those that are, I pray for them. I pray their hardened hearts of bitterness and hate be freed. Father, rescue them from the grips of evil and reveal yourself to them.

In Jesus’ Most Precious and Holy Name I pray,

Amen.

The heap of ground turned to a tilled spot of perfect looking soil. All but one of the people had disappeared. They somehow shrunk into the spot they were standing. I looked to Jesus to understand. He took the tears I had been holding close to my heart and He tossed the tears onto the ground and from the ground sprung the most beautiful white lilies. He wiped my tears away and took my hands and spoke, These memories will always be with you, but they no longer hold power over you. In time you will even forget them except to tell others their pain doesn’t have to drive them or rule their hearts. Their pain and suffering has a purpose. For you, none of this would be possible without the grace of God. That same love and grace fills your heart. His mercy is your mercy. Your grace and mercy is to see what can’t be seen. To look upon the world with his heart and eyes. To love as he loves you.

My legs lost all their strength and a fell to the ground and all I could do was sob. I could hear and see and feel around me I was no longer in a desert waste land. I could hear laugher in the background and looked up to see me. Jesus leaned close and spoke, no one can take your innocence away. Hold on to your wonder and curiosity.

Ask and you shall receive. Don’t stop asking. Never fear your wonder and curiosity. Jesus, I need your help. I know what I must do next.