It Starts Small

I sat looking at my list I had made of fear. If I was going to get anywhere with this I needed to understand what God’s word said in the opposite. Anything people have said about God always came across as cliche. Some sort of generic response to heart ache and trouble. It always felt as a way to avoid actually having to care about the situation. It was easier just to say, “God promises….”

That’s a shameful confession because I too have used those same things to avoid actually having to care about others. Shameful, I know.

I was overwhelmed at the beginning of searching for God’s promises. Later I had learned there are thousands. Literally, thousands. I decided to reread all of what had happen the last two months. I read through my notes and recordings. I stopped when I had written about God having created me with basic needs only he could fill.

I knew I had to start there.

Abandonment. The opposite would be that God would never leave me.

It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed. Deuteronomy 31:8

Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God; I will strengthen you, I will help you, I will uphold you with my righteous right hand. Isaiah 41:10

Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be frightened, and do not be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

These are just some of the verses that really spoke on the inside. Over and over, God’s Word is filled with the promise that he’s never going to leave me. He’s always here. He’s always been here. God didn’t build the walls or junkyard. I built my walls and junkyard out of unbelief and fear. Even though most of my life had been spent not seeking and not hearing, he’s been here. Patiently waiting because he’s sovereign and knew this day would come when I would finally diligently seek him.

Can this be true? All of the people I love could forsake our relationships and friendship and turn away from reconciliation. They could cast me asunder and out, but God would always be here. Why wouldn’t my creator be here? Why wouldn’t he seek to want a relationship with me? But, that begs the question, how do you have a relationship with God?

I recalled a very dark moment in my life. I had fallen into dark depression not long after I had my youngest daughter. I had decided one day I was going to go to the only place I had experienced “peace” and just end things. I was drowning under so much sorrow. I was drowning in pain and suffering. I was drowning in guilt and shame. I couldn’t see it at the time, but I had just decided my existence was no longer worthy of living. I share this because something happen that day. I got a flat tire no more than a few miles from my house.

As I recalled this day, I realized that flat tire was God. There’s so many more times I began to recall God had been there. I was horribly attacked by someone who chocked me to the point I passed out. I was certain in those last moments of not being able to breath I was going to die. For whatever reason they let go of me, and I believe it was God who stepped in that night. I can recall having made some really horrible choices, that somehow I was always rescued from them. That rescue wasn’t an action, it was a WHO.

I could recall deep sadness and hopelessness. My family doesn’t think I cried much, but I’d lock myself away from them to cry. I felt crying made me look weak, and I didn’t want them to know that on the inside I was a complete mess. I could barely rise day in and day out. I’d cry in hidden places and I can remember always feeling something was there with me. Encouraging me to not give up. To rise and keep going. I used to think it was positive thinking, but I know now that it was God with me all along.

Four years ago..a little longer, He was there the day I sat in the parking lot of the liquor store. I didn’t want to drink. I didn’t want to go into that store. I didn’t want to live that way anymore. I couldn’t stop, because deep inside I didn’t want to stop. It was his strength that I reached out for help I the following days.

As I thought about a few years ago, I started to wonder a bit. Had all this been apart of his plan in me? Therapy was good for some things but it left me filled with so many questions. It left me empty and only understanding feelings and emotions, but didn’t satisfy my longing in my spirit to have a deeper understanding. Is it possible, the story started there?

I didn’t have to just know God was with me, I believed he was with me. He loved me beyond anything I could possible understand, and he never left me. In my carnal living, he was still there. Protecting me from even myself. There was no denying that God had promised to always be here, and he is. By always being here came the next promise.

Protection.

But the Lord is faithful, and he will strengthen you and protect you from the evil one. 2 Thessalonians 3:3

God is our refuge and strength, an ever-present help in trouble. Psalm 46:1

The LORD will keep you from all harm— he will watch over your life; Psalm 121:7

I’d recommend reading the entire 121 Psalm.

I recently completed reading the book of Job. I actually had people tell me once and even convince me that cancer was my fault. The sin in my life had caused cancer. I may never know why I had cancer, but looking back I can see the hand of Gods in it. God didn’t cause my cancer, but he did heal me. He poured a miracle out upon me and healed me. You know what I got from it, survivor’s guilt. Instead of realizing God healed me, I felt bad I had survived. Evil once spoke through someone and they said they wished I had just died of cancer and I didn’t deserve to live. Sadly, I believed maybe they were right.

How was this God’s protection? I see it as Him protecting me from one of the most aggressive forms of cancer. He wasn’t done with me and I had a purpose. It would take 12 years, but I had a purpose. He was protecting His creation for His purpose, but that prison of fear had caused a separation between me and His protection.

What really stuck out is God protects us from evil. I paused to wonder about that verse. Many times God says He protects us from evil. Does that mean evil is lying about waiting to pounce on me (Psalm 10:9), that evil means evil influenced people? When he says evil, that does that mean all forms and shapes that evil takes? (A writing for another day)

Could I believe and trust God to protect me always? I wasn’t immune to consequences, but just as He had always been with me, He also protected me. I know he protected me that night. Some would see it as doing something awful, but I saw the shift in the eyes and it terrified me. I wasn’t going to go down that road so I did something to protect myself. It gave me just enough time to get out of a situation that was quickly going very wrong. For once, I was not going to be on the wrong side of it. I couldn’t see it before, but I know he was there with me. He was giving me a small opportunity to flee.

Yes, I believe God protects me. I know I needed to know more of his Word so I could stand against the fleshly temptations, allow Jesus to help me overcome my broken and fractured mind, and the only way to be whole in the spirit is to let Him be my navigator.

Next, providing.

I had always looked to my husband as the worldly described bread winner. I hate that expression. I do believe it is his role to be that, but I hate that description. I looked to him to meet the needs of our family. After reading Matthew 6:26-34, I didn’t have to read much further. I love this passage of scripture. If God can feed the sparrows, how much more does he feed us? If he clothes lilies, how much more does he clothe us? I wasn’t wrong in always being grateful for our needs being met, but I put glory and honor in a human, verses being thankful to God for providing through him. Truthfully, we have never gone without what we NEEDED. There were wants, but God never said he would provide for wants, only what we needed.

I spurred me to think about things beyond physical needs. If God can provide for my physical needs, then He can certainly help me overcome and make my mind whole again. If He can make my mind while, then certainly He can fill my spirit. It wasn’t just food for the body, but food for the spirit.

Finally, love.

I had already decided that God does love me. He loves me beyond what I will ever be able to measure. I recalled the previous visit to my junk yard, and it hit me. Instead of having three huge holes in it, there were only two. Only two? So one of the was filled up. I knew it was this one. Something inside me was different. I felt partially whole.

I decided to pray. It was time to let God know I knew.

Heavenly Father,

I confess that I’ve kept myself in that shack. Just a scared little girl hiding under the bed. Afraid and looking for protection, providing and to be loved. Father, because of my own fear I’ve denied not only those you have sent that you have worked through, but I’ve denied belief that it is possible for you, the Almighty God, Creator and great I Am to do these things. Forgive my foolishness. It has been you all along. Even though I was living carnal you never stopped loving me. You never stopped providing for me. You never stopped protecting me.

Father, I give all this to you to fulfill. I put my trust in you. I will no longer seek these things because you are the only one who can truly fill these needs inside of me. Father, to truly give all I am to you I must also trust in your promises. Father you are faithful and never forsake what you promise to those who love you and trust you. Father I thank you for walking this path with me. I know I make things difficult and I probably over think everything. I just want real truth. Your truth. No more depending upon others for truth and putting my trust in a false religion.

In Jesus Precious Name at Pray,

Amen.

So now, I had this understanding and whole hearted belief that God loves me, provides and protects me. How do I deal with this fear thing? I knew I could only go to one place.

Just as soon as I got there the entire place had completely changed…where’s the shack at?