It Starts Small

I hope you all watched the video from my last post. It was the sermon preached at church. I bought the book that Pastor Joel has written. I suggest everyone read it, even if you’re not afflicted by fear. There’s so much we could write and talk about.

Fully You: unlocking the Power of All You Really Are by Joel Malam

The next morning I decided after prayer it was time to visit fear, but first I wanted to read God’s Word and somehow arm myself with His understanding. A few scriptures stuck out to me:

Be strong and courageous, do not be AFRAID; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go. Joshua 1:9

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me. Psalm 23:4

4 I sought the Lord, and He heard me,
And delivered me from all my fears.
5 They looked to Him and were radiant,
And their faces were not ashamed.
6 This poor man cried out, and the Lord heard him,
And saved him out of all his troubles.
7 The angel of the Lord encamps all around those who fear Him,
And delivers them.
8 Oh, taste and see that the Lord is good;
Blessed is the man who trusts in Him! Psalm 34:4-8

All these verses pointed out that God is with me. God is my deliverance from fear. I needed to put my trust in God to walk through this and receive deliverance from the grips of fear.

What is fear? According to Webster, fear is, an unpleasant often strong emotion caused by anticipation or awareness of danger. Another definition is to be afraid. The definition of afraid was to fear. I felt like I was walking in a circle. Fear is being afraid, and being afraid was fear. I thought about the verse Pastor Joel used.

For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind. 2 Timothy 1:7

The key had to be in understanding everything I previously learned. My pride was leaning upon myself and trusting in what I only knew and understood. It was my unbelief…. Wait?!?! Unbelief! (Cue dinner bell)

• I was afraid I’d never be loved or wanted.
• I was afraid no one cared I existed.
• I was afraid of never having a real purpose
• I was afraid of having no home or the things I needed like food, water, shelter.
• I was afraid of not being able to defend myself physically or emotionally.
• I was afraid of having no point or existence.
• I was afraid everyone would find out who I am and the things I had done and never want to have anything to do with me.
• I was afraid that everyone who said “I love you.” Was just using me for their own selfish disgusting desires.
• I was afraid of the truth.
• I was afraid of God.

What is fear? We know fears are lies we BELIEVE. I decided to write every single fear down.

You can see in this list, the fear of abandonment and rejection were real in my life. I felt like there was this constant push and pull. I wanted to be loved and love, but I feared it because I’d have to compromise or do some good I didn’t agree with to get it. I wanted to be protected and provided for but, again, I didn’t want to have to compromise what I felt was right to get it. I wanted people to be in my life, but I didn’t want to risk them knowing I was a horrible sinner and reject me. I wanted to trust God, but I was afraid, even the almighty power God would reject me. I wanted His truth, but I was afraid that the truth would drown me. I wanted purpose, but I was afraid God’s purpose would be too great and I’d just fail. Fail.

I looked at my list and kind of shook my head. I could sense this was all irrational on a psychological and spiritual level. I reached out and stretched my mind. I stood in my junk yard and spoke to Jesus.

Jesus, your Word says I need to trust in God. I was selfishly seeking to fill those gaping holes over there. Everything I was throwing in those whole never filled it. But, Paul wrote the Holy Spirit fills those holes and through you I receive God’s love, providing, and friendship. Nothing in this world satisfied those needs. Not fleshly sin, not psychology, not education, or a job.

I walked around those holes trying to make sense of it. Fear was believing the lies evil had spoken directly and through people. Truth was knowing what God says and believing it. Oh….. there is was. Believing God’s truth. I had a belief problem. I was in the middle of a civil war within myself. Worley truth vs. Godly truth.

I turned and looked at Jesus. I knew he was there watching me ponder over all this. I told Him I have a belief problem. I’m too damn literal. I know these things, but I lack belief because I can’t see it. I can’t touch it. I can’t feel it. I understood fear because I could feel it. So some how, it became truth. I could uses those fickle sense and fickle emotions to know it was there. It was real, but by believing in them I had created a prison of fear.

I turned to look at Jesus again, and said, you’re asking me to believe in something I can’t feel, see, touch. To just believe. Jesus spoke back, and said do you believe I’m here and exist in this place with you?

I thought about it for awhile. Was I crazy? Was this all my imagination? Was I making this all up in my head to divert attention from the ruin of my life? Was I creating this fictional world in my head to run away from reality or was this actually real? Was I standing in the presence of my Savior? Was he truly speaking to me?

Or had I fallen off the deep end and gone completely crazy?