It Starts Small

It was a few days before I had returned to this concept of pride I wasn’t understanding.

I loved my sister’s place! She has a back patio that was made perfect for me to sit for hours and ponder, paw over God’s word, and pray. It was shady and she had tons of plants growing out there. Each day was filled with warm air (until that heat wave started) and birds galore. When life returned to their normal, the first morning I sat and thought about pride. Maybe I didn’t understand pride as much as I had thought I did.

I started to look up scriptures and commentaries on pride.

This verse in God’s Word stuck out to me:

3 For the wicked boasts of the desires of his soul,
and the one greedy for gain curses and renounces the Lord.
4 In the pride of his face the wicked does not seek him;
all his thoughts are, “There is no God.” Psalm 10:3-4

I wrote down that pride is: the ideas of arrogance, cynical insensitivity to the needs of others, and presumption. Pride is both a disposition/attitude and a type of conduct. Ewww. That is quite the list. I further wrote: The negative sense points to a sinful individual who shifts ultimate confidence from God to self.

Ewww…. That’ll make you feel pretty dirty.

I thought about the later part of the verse in Psalms above.

It was pretty glaringly obvious there was no seeking or God in our house. He was not the center of our family. He was not the center of our marriage. He was not the center of my life. I can’t speak for the other half. But I knew this and confessed this right away. He was not the top priority in anything done, except when I wanted something. That was my next mistake. When times were great, he was at the bottom of the list. When times were tough, he rose to the top. When I wanted something, I only prayed to ask him for something. I learned that’s a form of pride.

But… that part about shifting focus from God to self kept gnawing at me. In the days before Jesus had spoken, I needed to forgive myself. I knew there were things I had done that I hadn’t forgiven myself for. I felt like if I had forgiven myself it would’ve meant I was saying it was ok I had done the things I had done. But, God my Father had forgiven me, so wasn’t that enough to know that if my almighty Creator could forgive me, that I could forgive myself?

What would shifting that focus from God to myself mean? It would’ve meant that something or someone had become an idol. I already knew one of my issue was I had made my husband an idol (I’ll write more about this later on) but was it possible my own perception of myself had also become an idol? An idol is anything you worship that is not God himself. Had my own perception of myself, my poor self worth and self esteem become an idol? Had my own perception been projected upon God my Father and in a sense written a false truth in my mind and heart?

Those who know what I’m talking about….that winner-winner chicken-dinner bell went off. Bingo!

I sat there in a quiet shock. I had projected my low self worth onto God himself. If I had projected my low self worth, was it possible I could’ve project my own hurt and pain upon him? Because I valued the opinion of others, was it possible their opinion of me had become a false doctrine of truth inside of me that I valued above God’s truth?

Winner-winner Chicken-dinner!

In those moments I really began to realizes how much God loved me. Here I had been trying in vain, to do it all on my own. I had written a false doctrine that I believed above his absolute truth, and I had sat there laughing. It’s probably not seen as an appropriate response by some, but it happens when the Holy Spirit starts to reveal truth in me. Kimberly, what had you done? I just kept repeating thank you Jesus. Thank you. I get it now.

God’s truth couldn’t get in and later on I learned my prayers couldn’t get out because my pride had put up a stronghold. Nothing got in and nothing got out.

God,

I’m so sorry I’ve been a fool for so long. This is what my therapist couldn’t reveal to me. They could explain what I was feeling and how to not let feelings control me, but this is what I have been needing. God, I need your truth. I know I’m a slow learner, but I have the rest of my life that you’re willing to give me to continue to hear and see your truth. Your truth God.

God, I know nothing. I’m an ignorant fool, but God I’m searching and seeking. I don’t know what you desire my character to be. I don’t know how to be, God. God, teach me. I know what not to be. Show me your way. God forgive me. I lay this ugly pride business In the grave you pulled me out of. God seal it in that grave and keep me from ever being filled with any sort of pride. God, your way is my way and I ask you teach me. Everything I thought I knew was of my own understanding and not yours. Erase this filth from me.

In Jesus Name I pray,

Amen

I had made everything up as I went. I didn’t have any sort of spiritual leadership in my life. I had worship a man and sought that leadership from him. I had created a false truth that I believed. Growing up, I didn’t have godly spiritual women as example. I didn’t have guidance of a godly mother to teach me. I just tried my best to do what I thought was right in my own way and power.

It was time to erase everything I knew, and let Jesus show me what it means to be a daughter of the most high King. It was time to know what a real woman of God was. It was time to figure out what a woman of valor was as spoken in Proverbs. I knew it was time to stand up, and start walking. To leave this parked spot and never look back.