It Starts Small

I’ve always been a early riser. I can’t explain why. My internal alarm clock is perpetually set between 4:30 and 5:00a.m. I am not a night owl. It gets to be later in the evening and I just shut down. I awoke, early as usual, and took a shower. I felt different this morning. I do not like to use the words feel or felt. They seem to refer to the emotional side, but it wasn’t an emotion I felt. Something was different on the inside.

After showering I caught my reflection in the mirror. I rarely ever look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t stand what was looking back at me and I’d just hear the vices of others telling me how ugly I was in many ways. This morning I took a long look. My body had been through a lot over 40 years. Countless broken bones, children, cancer, and my own misuse. I sat on the bed to get dressed and I looked in the mirror on the wall. I pulled my journal out and began to write.

Hey You! It’s been a long time since I saw you. I forgot about you. I forgot about all your hopes and dreams. I forgot what it was like to be you. To just be able to have hope, trust, and belief without doubt, question or explanation. You just believed that it was ok to want to be something the world looked down upon. Your heart loved Jesus so much. You were so innocent and pure. I’m sorry I lead you astray. I’m sorry I forgot the wonder and awe. I’m sorry I forgot that God loved me so much and he’s my creator. I’m sorry for all the things I’ve done. I’m sorry I cut the love of God out of your life. I’m sorry for the better part of 30 years I’ve been searching for something that has been in me all along. I sorry I used your mouth to speak hateful things. I’m sorry I used your hands to hurt. I’m sorry I let so many people hurt you and abuse you. I’m sorry I let your worth and value become so low that I allowed people to lie. To manipulate. To use you for their own personal selfish desires. Im sorry I let people use what they were doing be justified as God’s will. I’m sorry I let you be fooled by evil and put your trust and hope in idols instead of our Creator. I’m so sorry I let you down. Thank you for showing yourself this morning. Thank you for reminding me of your innocence in hope and desire.

I forgot who I was deep down inside. I forgot about that little girl. I forgot my hopes and dreams as a little girl. All I had ever honestly wanted as a little girl was a family. I wanted to be a wife and a mom. I wanted my home to be filled with love and Jesus. To go to church and be in continuous awe of stories like David and Goliath. To see and witness the power of God that was always spoken about. I wanted to be apart of the family of God and my family to be apart of that family. To have a simple life. I didn’t want money. Fame. Things. I just wanted people and Jesus. To be apart of something greater than what I could know. and…. Goats.

That deep desire was never lost, but the dream and hope was skewed. The perception of all the pain and suffering stole that dream from me. Told me that sort of life would never exist. It surfaced so many times but I was undeserving and unworthy of that dream.

The drive to my final destination was a very long drive. I was on I-10, during spring break, and this leg of the trip was frustrating, but it did give me a long time to think and sit with the Holy Spirit. I thought about the perception I had about myself. Jesus had said, when others did and spoke evil, they spoke against the very creation God had made. What did that mean?

As I thought about it, it finally revealed itself. When we raise our voice and hands to harm others, we are in fact harming the creation of God. It’s a sin, yes, but it’s deeper. If we do this we are completely an enemy to God. We choose to hurt his creation and show that we have no reverence for him or his creation. When we speak evil, do evil acts, or physically, emotionally or psychologically hurt others we might as well just claim the devil as our god because he is the author and master of all those things. It’s pure evil to intentionally hurt, deceive, and manipulate others. It’s evil to do these things for your own selfish desires or needs. The act is not preformed by God. Only evil influences this type of thing.

Satan’s whole purpose is to destroy God. He destroys God by destroying people because of the love that God. Satan doesn’t care about me, but he wants to use me to rip apart the creation of me, my marriage and my family. He’s been using the same tactics for thousands of years. He uses you and me to do his handy work when we give him control. He doesn’t have power, except the power we give to him.

I thought for a long time about being a pawn of satan and how he used others In my life to get to me. I thought about my own perception to me. God, what does it mean? Until now, I couldn’t forgive myself. I wasn’t worthy of forgiveness, but why? I asked is it shame and guilt? Have I not truly confessed myself? Am. I holding inside me unconfession?

One word came to mind: Pride. Pride? I’m not prideful. I’m not an egotistical maniac. I’m not puffed up or step on others to achieve my own goals. As far as I knew I had no goals. I tried every moment to lift others up around me. I put away myself so that others around me could be all they could be and the best they could be. What does pride have to do with this? I started to try and recall everything I new about pride. I just couldn’t put the pieces together. I knew there was something in this, but I needed help to understand it.

God, help me to understand this pride you have brought to my mind. This had to be what was standing between myself and God. The wall that held everything from me that God was trying to do and be.