It Starts Small

I woke up with a gloom in my heart. Perhaps it was because the weather was gloomy. It was pouring rain outside. I felt a massive amount of anxiety. I was restless.

I felt like I had a counter full of ingredients, except the ingredients didn’t have labels. I had no real idea of what all these things were. On the counter was a recipe written in a language I didn’t understand. I was going to make something, but I didn’t now what the ingredients were and I couldn’t understand the recipe.

It’s sort of like learning something new. Maybe even building something. You have a bunch of pieces organized and laying about, but you don’t know where to start or begin because nothing seems to make sense. I’ve heard this is the case with IKEA furniture, tho I’ve never built any Ikea furniture.

The trip was rough. Almost all morning the rain poured. It seemed like the sun was never going to come up. I drove in the darkness and lightening would light the whole sky up. That storm felt like the storm raging inside of me. There were times it was raining so hard I couldn’t see the road. I was scared driving, and inside there was an immense amount of fear. I felt panicked.

Eventually the sun came up and the rain slowed.

I knew God was there with me. I just couldn’t quite get a grip on myself. All I could really utter was help me. I told God, you said if I came to you, you would help me. God I don’t know why I’m so scared right now. I know I’m not supposed to fear anything, but why am I so full of it this morning?

I reminded myself that God is my friend, provider, comforter, and protector. I had nothing to fear because he was perfect in all he did. I knew he was there that night. He rescued me. He was making my path straight, but the road map was written in a language I couldn’t understand. For the remainder of the trip I thought about possibility.

Was it really possible? All these things had happen for a purpose? I asked God, why didn’t you come when I was begging you to please stop what was coming? In the months leading up to this, why God? I was frustrated.

I began several hours of beating myself up. If I didn’t do this… or didn’t do that… if I wasn’t this… or that. If I could just be perfect. If I could just do what was right and never do wrong, none of these things would’ve happen. If I could be a perfect wife, my husband would never have to be angry of feel shorted. If I was a perfect mom my kids would never have to have grown up in a dysfunctional family. If I had never been created I wouldn’t have messed up the lives of my husband and my children. I wouldn’t have tarnished what God created. If he had just never created me, none of these things would’ve happen. Why did I have to be alive? There’s no longer a point or purpose for my existence. There never has been a point for me to exist.

Yeah, when you get that train rolling….it runs hard fast and deep. I felt defeated. The thoughts of how I was too broken rolled into my mind.

I rolled into Gulf Port, Mississippi with a hurricane roaring in my heart. I felt like I had gotten sucked back onto that boat. I eventually made my way down to finally see the Gulf of Mexico. It was unflattering. I’d imagine what was raging on the inside was what controlled my visual perception. I sat in my truck feeling like acid was eating my very soul.

Eventually tears swelled up in my eyes. I hated me so much. I wished I had the power to wipe my own existence from the earth. Wipe the very memory of me from everyone’s mind. I knew the alarm bells were going off inside me. I knew from therapy this was a dangerous road I was walking. This is the road that leads to depression, anxiety, and alcohol. My heart hurt so much. All I could do was pray.

God,

Help me please. My heart hurts so much right now. I hate all that I am and have become. I don’t want to be this. I’m sorry for all these things I’ve done. I’m sorry I hurt people you trusted me with and blessed my life with. I’m sorry I have ruined your creation. God, I deserve to be taken off this planet and sit the rest of my eternity in the flames of hell for what I’ve done and who I am. I’m not worthy to even ask for your help in these things.

God why did you create me? If you knew all that my life would be and how vile I am, why? Why let air ever reach my lungs? Why didn’t you strike me dead when I had cancer? Why couldn’t you have just blotted me out before I was ever born? Why can’t you just take the very breath of me now?

God, I don’t understand any of these things. Please help me to understand. Please help me.

Jesus Name,

Amen.

I sat there sobbing. I wasn’t suicidal. I just didn’t understand why a God who “loved” me would create someone only to turn out to be so horrible, vile, and an abomination. Why would God create me?

I laid my head on the steering wheel. I was tired. Not the physical sense of tired, but just felt so tired on the inside. Maybe I was so broken I wouldn’t even be able to understand.

I closed my eyes and my mind drifted. Lost in the darkness I was sitting in. I found a place to sit in my mind. And just closed me eyes and let myself just cry. I wasn’t weeping over loss. I wasn’t weeping in regret. I wasn’t weeping over shame or guilt. I was weeping because I knew my own worthlessness. I had no value.

I heard my name be spoken. I knew my Savior was there and I was too afraid to look upon him. How could I look upon him? I held out my hand and in it was that red rubble piece. I asked him to please take this, I don’t want this anymore. I am not worthy of your presence or your gift. Please just take this. My Savior kneeled in front of me and pulled my chin up to look at him. He closed my hand around the piece and his hands were closed around my hand. He spoke, I love you. On the cross I knew your name. I knew all that you had done, what is, and what will be. I died for you because I love you no matter what. All the violence, abuse, malice, and hateful things spoken to you were spoken to God our Father. You are His creation. When others hurt you, they were hurting your Father in Heaven. You are not an accident. You are God our Father’s creation. You are beautiful to Him. You are worthy to Him. You are wonderfully created by Him. You are talented. You are special. You are one of a kind. You are not what you have been told and you are not the lies you believe. He squeezed his hands around mine and spoke, you mean so much to me and our Father. I have never left you and only through me will you overcome and see who you truly are and the purpose in all things. He wiped away my tears and in his hands were pearls.

A phone call shook me from that quiet place. Later on in the evening. My mind thought about that red rubble Jesus kept putting in my hands. I thought about the love of God. Honestly, hearing my Savior say I love you was the first time in my life I believed it. I knew God loved me, but I finally believed. I didn’t believe the people that said I love you. There always felt like it was a conditional sort of love. Like they were saying I love you, but…. I always had to be better or do something to “earn” love. When I heard Jesus say it, I know it was real. There was no “but” on the end of it. He loved me despite all the depravity in my life. My Father in heaven loved me more than I could ever imagine. I spoke softly out loud…. What do I need to do?

That small voice whispered, you have to forgive yourself just as you have been forgiven.