It Starts Small

The first day of driving was pretty uneventful. I just listened to praise and worship music and prayed fragmented prayers. My heart was missing home. I was worried about our newest additions to the farm. Where they getting taken care of? I worried about my husband. I worried about my kids. I worried about the road ahead. I just worried. I tried my best to pray over it all. I got the opportunity to stay with my niece. It was a very short visit but a relief to not spend a night alone.

That night, I tossed and turned. I starred at the ceiling in the darkness and cried softly to myself. This was not what I had ever desired for my life. For my husband. For my family. I quietly spoke to God in my head. I asked him where did I go so wrong? I knew the answer but I also didn’t know the answer. I can tell you the long, miles long list, of all my depravity and wrong doing, and they were all sins. Sin against people I loved. Sins against God. Sin against even myself. It was sin, but what did that mean?

Eventually, thankfully, my niece and her husband were up early and I could get moving. I set my gps to a side stop. I decided that since I was driving by, I might as well stop at Myrtle Beach. I may never get back by here, so take advantage.

It was nice. I don’t know what I was expecting. Thankfully I found paid parking right next to a Starbucks and grabbed coffee and headed out onto the beach. I used to love the beach. I recalled all the memories of visiting the beaches in Washington State. It lost its appeal. I found a quiet place away from everyone and sat and began to write my prayer.

God,

I need your help. I still don’t have the answer to me. Why? Why God have I fallen so miserably short so many times? Why can’t I have the trust I’m supposed to have in you? I know that list you worked with me, it’s all true. But there’s something in the way. There’s something in that stupid junk yard holding me back. There’s something chaining me to the ground. I’m running to you but in a split moment I reach the end of the chain and it yanks me back. Please God, help me. I don’t understand.

God, I don’t want a divorce. I know you have created me. You created him. You created this marriage. You had to have had purpose beyond what I can truly understand. God, I refuse to let whatever evil is driving the destruction have dominion over me. You don’t tear our lives apart or marriages or family apart. People choose this. That’s the destruction of evil. God, I will not be a pawn of it anymore.

God, you are the only thing holding it all together. I give it all to you. I release my grasp on my husband and this marriage and I let you be God. God, is it possible to use me? Is there possibility that through me, these things can be fixed? God, use me. Teach me. Show me what I must do. I believe there must be some sort of greatness that you want to do, but I am only just beginning to understand. God, fix me. Fix me so I can return something new. Something worthy.

God is that even possible? Is any of this even possible? Is it possible to broken beyond repair that it can’t be fixed? I can’t believe that God. It’s people that are broken that break things. Am I the broken part in all this? Am I broken beyond repair? Is there no more hope to be had? Is there no more chances or opportunity? I don’t want a new life. God, I don’t want a new life. I don’t want a new husband. I don’t want a new marriage. I don’t want a new family. God, I want what you have given and I just want it to be more. I just want it to be more of you.

Teach me God. Please help me.

In Christ’s Name I pray,

Amen.

I sat there listening with my eyes closed. I listened to the rhythm of the the waves splashing the shore. I listened to the distant bark of a dog and the laughing of children in the background. I felt the sun on my face.

What is possible? What does that mean? Possibility.

Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” Matthew 19:26

I knew everything, in my own strength, my own power, my own heart would never amount to anything. I just had to look at the junkyard I created. I spoke to Jesus. Jesus, can you show me possible. Can you show me what that means? I know I over complicate simple things, but with you, ALL things are possible. What is possible Jesus?

I began to sense hope, again. So many times this had happen. Every time I had hope that God could set things right. Hope that God could change the situation. I had hope that God was doing something. I didn’t now what or have understanding what it is he was doing, but I was certain I was on the path to find out.

Before leaving, I had decided that I was going to change my word phrase for the year. This was the year that instead of seeking closeness (although it was brought to me), my goal, everything I was going to seek was going to be centered on: THY WILL BE DONE.